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Being the greatest. An autobiography NSFW

by on 06/17/2012

Good day gentlemen,

Might i start this post off with a good day gentlemen and a happy fathers day. I’m going to talk about my rise and demise basically an autobiography. it all started when i came out the nutsack. of 1,000,000+ sperms i was already destined for victory. i had ventured through the Fallopian tube through to the egg. upon my arrival i had sat and waited for nine grueling months in the dark and bloody prison we call the womb and waited until the birth of the greatest child would be born.

First Days…

When i was pulled out of that prison or how i would say finally released i began to plot my duty’s as the greatest person to ever walk this earth. after spending the night in a hospital i was taken into a home in which i would spend days in a crib where i was cradled by the gentle hands of a woman i would soon call mother. then after being tucked in for the night i would spend each day enjoying my solid hold and happy times. that is until school started.

School Days and Early Childhood…

The first day of school that i had was one of the greatest i remembered walking into it all like “bitches… prepare”. as a child i went to a private school. finding friends in just about every body. one in particular Ibrahim Dabbibi. We would soon become best friends and cause havoc together. we wrecked shit in our way and told the teacher she could go fuck herself when she made us do anything at all we felt incomparable to our standards of living. but then kindergarten ended and my friend would soon be leaving for a public school.

The End of 4th Grade and the Beginning of 5th to 9th…

It was the end of fourth grade and fifth had began… the only thing i really remembered about the transition from fourth to fifth was that i would soon be reunited with my best friend and that i would be going to a public school from now on “Da Fuck?” i thought to myself. i wasn’t ready for life at public school. But i had to face it anyway. while leaving on the last day of my fourth grade year i saw ibrahims mom she wrote down my home phone number and little did i know that that day would be the start of one of the greatest friendships to ever walk this earth. at the beginning of my 5th grade year the teacher told me to please find a seat i told her to go fuck herself. you could pretty much see how my 5th grade turned out. then 6th grade came. i had once again transferred to a private school by the name of  Harmony Science Academy. a school filled with the smartest of the smart only incredibly smart kids were allowed at this school. I was soon expelled after completing my year. then 7th grade came i had once again moved back to a public school where i once again did not fit in. i was fat so i constantly wore a sweater two times as large as me (this is going to sound pathetic because it is) so that some people would tell me to buy smaller clothing making me feel like i could fit into slimmer clothing. still being friends with ibrahim we had planned to lose weight. “yeah fuck that” we said. 7th grade was the grade i met a boy named dennis. dennis wasn’t the nicest of characters. so i fucking dropped him. he called me fat and i called him an ambulance bullying was a really big problem but it didn’t really happen with me because i wouldn’t let people walk over me. i wasn’t a pussy. the next year people weren’t so mean to me but once again i would get into a fight with a gang member of the “sowoop crips” which wasn’t suprising living in the neighborhood i’m living in not saying it was fucking compton but it wasn’t the best of neighborhoods. and the fact that i was the 1% didn’t help either. being one of the only white kids in a fucking neighborhood of people that were of the black and hispanic race had got me used to isolation and loneliness. i did have a friend which was ibrahim but he went to a different school so the only friends i really had were pizza and hamburgers. anyways i had gotten my ass beat. then after that i gotten my ass beat again by him and his friends. but i lost no respect knowing i was still a “G” people were my friends. Now it was 9th grade. the grade i decided to become the greatest. And the year that i met two of two of my other best friends (i realize you can’t have three but fuck rules). the first time i met these two guys they were talking about movies i had no idea about. i decided to join in on the conversation but to no suprise wasn’t really talked to due to being the new guy. but i just kept raping my way into their conversations until i was accepted by them as a friend. we then began to talk regularly and i felt as though i was one of them. i also started to watch a lot more movies. matter of fact we talked so much i did pretty much nothing else but hang out with them causing me to get even fatter hahaha. we talked and became good friends until one day rvolution (amac) and boomgood (austin) would actually become regulars that i hung out with just about every day along with ibrahim (who they also knew as a good friend).  i had still been fat and still hated my self for it telling myself that i needed to drastically lose weight. nah fuck that i ate more than ever and started to really play video games. but had made more friends and talked to more girls than i had in my past years so i guess it was working. not only that but i FINALLY hit puberty (yes i know that’s late as shit).

10th and 11th Grade…

After the summer of ninth grade i once again had lost a little weight. well… i didn’t lose weight but i had grown into most of my weight so most of the fat jokes had stopped, but it’s not like people didn’t notice. During my time in the 10th grade i met a girl named Mariah who fucked me in the ass with all of her might (analogy). But enough of her, that year i met plenty of women some beautiful as the dickens some ugly as fuck. that year most people thought i was kind of a comedian so i became the class clown. But that summer was the day my life had changed. after meeting back up with Ibrahim after one of the longest fights we ever had. we were and still are best friends it’s something that could never change. as long as i had tried not to talk to him after a long fight i could not fight the urge to meet back up with him and laugh. laugh at all the hilarious jokes he told. He was and probably forever will be my best friend and the greatest comedian i have ever met. i guess you could say we were best friends because we both had the same kind of sense of humor. we liked all kinds of jokes. we loved dead baby jokes and loved all tasteless and horrible jokes. But now it’s starting to sound gay so i’ll get back to myself. i had decided to get a gym pass and lose weight. as determined as i was i put off the weight in three months. and returned to school a new and improved man. after losing the weight girls began to really talk to me. i had plenty of chances to date women but had accepted none. all of them never talked to me a year before but now all of a sudden wanted to “hang out sometime”. fuck that shit. they never wanted me for my personality. only for looks. i worked for my (with maybe a little too much pride) above average body and soon gained it. that year however was the best year of my life… with no enemies. not a single fight and best friend back into my life. thins were going great.


now my life is simply bliss. i have reached my zen point and the happiest i’ve ever been in my 16 years of life which is pretty fucking sad because admittedly this is probably as good as it’s going to get i don’t expect to have a good life after this and won’t be surprised if my life turns to shit after this but now i can chill out and get through my senior year fresh and realaxed. with nothing to worry about other than SAT’s and other little shit. Things might just be fine

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