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Death on Demand. (probably NSFW)

by on 07/12/2012

“An opportunist offers $5,000 to anyone who can stay in a house where a man slaughtered his family with mountain-climbing hooks and hung himself.” So says the description of Death on Demand, a low-budget horror movie that I experienced late last night/early this morning with Saif. This wasn’t a good movie but I thought it would be interesting to tell it’s tale to you. So please enjoy the text form of Death on Demand.

  • Movie starts with the Evil Twins logo
  • they show it again in case you missed it the first time
  • shot of lake and seagulls surrounding it
  • news reports describing Sean McIntyre’s legal troubles in Nepal on a mountain climbing expeditions
  • apparently he lost it and killed some dude
  • ooh dinner with his family at home
  • kids look nervous
  • wife brings in a turkey, turkey looks gooood, wife’s mom agrees
  • daughter hands Sean her plate, drops it immediately
  • kids and wife mom get scared
  • wife asks he is ok
  • slaps bowl of grapes(?) out of her hand and yells “I’m fine!”
  • Sean gets pissed and grabs wife’s head and slams in into the table until it breaks(face and table)
  • Sean grabs knife and with one quick swipe chops wife’s mom’s head off, lands in bowl blood spatters on youngest daughter’s face
  • Sean walks up slowly to his screaming daughters, cut to black
  • a bloody Sean hangs himself
  • BUT HE’S NOT DEAD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
  • college girl wakes up with a fright, you can see her breath cause it’s cold or something
  • cut to black guy with glasses installing a security camera with a power drill and then guy with soulpatch telling him they need more cameras
  • black guy says no more cameras but he says it with sass
  • cold breath girl from earlier is sitting on her bed using tarot cards, she’s a ginger now, I think she just placed the “eight of cups” down
  • boyfriend enters, hold on, is that the dude from Episode 50? IT TOTALLY IS, THAT GUY’S AWESOME!!!!
  • Episode 50 says she should be researching the McIntyre massacre but horrible mispronounces McIntyre
  • some dialogue that’s not great, basically Episode 50 is making fun of Ginger’s hoodoo crap and she’s all giggly
  • back to Black Guy and Soulpatch talking about the McIntyre house Black Guy’s creeped out
  • turns to walk away steps on bubble wrap and goes “OOOHHHHHH!!!!!”
  • Soulpatch starts talking about Google
  • Black Guy threatens him with power drill
  • Soulpatch tells Sean’s story of him going crazy and having a run in with a Sherpa
  • Black Guy cuts in “This isn’t the ER!”
  • Soulpatch continues story “He thought the guy was an abominable snowman and cut his head off with an ice ax.”
  • Black Guy makes fun of Sherpas’ heights
  • cut to Ginger and Episode 50
  • Ginger is scared as says it’s bad to contact bad spirits
  • Episode 50 thinks she wants to back out and says that if they do Brad is gonna think they are pussies
  • He brings up the “5 Gs” but Ginger doesn’t think that a competition to see how can spend the night in a haunted house to win money is about the money
  • we find out Episode 50 just got kicked off the football team and might lose his scholarship
  • Ginger is the séance expert and does some crap and is mad(stopped paying attention for second sorry)
  • Episode 50 hands her the tarot cards and she places 3 down
  • “What do you see?” “I don’t know.” “Exactly now get it together or I’ll have Susie do it with me.”(who is Susie?) and pinches Ginger’s nipple
  • Ginger likes it but calls him a prick and starts laughing
  • cuts back to Black Guy and Soulpatch filming a promo for the competition with a random camera guy that never shows up again
  • ooohhhhhhh adult film actress Velvet Luv will be joining the cast
  • they only do one take, I feel like they should’ve done another but that’s why I’m not doing internet pay-per-view horror nights
  • Soulpatch is in office building wearing a blazer
  • it’s his father’s office and he says he’s in a bit of a bind
  • turns out Soulpatch doesn’t have enough money to pay for internet streaming company because his sponsor Black Summit(the company that made Sean McIntyre’s climbing gear that he used to kill his family) said they didn’t want to do it
  • Soulpatch is just trying to get attention for his dad and prove himself as a business man
  • Whoa cut to Brad and blonde bimbo doing it intensely
  • apparently Brad’s having problems of the uhh boner nature
  • Bimbo thinks he’s screwing someone else and his boner problem is of the “mental” nature
  • “ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I’M A FAG?!!” Brad shouts at Bimbo
  • Brad took a shot in the nutsack from a 300 pound linebacker and that’s we he can’t get it up, likely story Brad
  • Brad’s only doing this competition to make Episode 50 looks like an idiot
  • uh oh Brad banged Ginger once when he was drunk
  • Bimbo tells Brad to get it together or she’s going to cheat on him big time with a dildo
  • slaps Brad in face with dildo
  • they romantically embrace and then Brad farts and starts laughing
  • Bimbo gets really made and tells hi to grow up
  • Brad has a quiet victory fart to himself
  • Black Guy and Soulpatch are back talking about Velvet Luv when goth lesbian shows up
  • Soulpatch is trying to convince Goth Lesbian to be on Velvet Luv’s team, he convinces her by giving her Luv’s unwashed lacy panties
  • everybody is dressing up in their Halloween costume because it’s Halloween
  • Episode 50 is a pimp, Ginger is Little Red Riding Hood, Bimbo is a sexy maid, Brad is wearing a t-shirt that says costume, GothLes is sexy nurse, but Velvet Luv is nowhere to be seen
  • they all arrive at the house and wait in the dinning room
  • the live stream starts
  • Brad disses Episode 50 by calling him balls head
  • cut to to college kids in a dorm, one doing schoolwork on his laptop the other watching the live stream on a desktop, both dressed up as skeletons they’re probably going to beat up Daniel-san later
  • Black guy skeleton doesn’t to watch be cause he has to finish his paper
  • Soulpatch intros the livestream oh it’s called Death on Demand
  • Brad notices that only 5 of the 6 contestants are there Soulpatch introduces Velvet Luv she’s dressed up as a cop
  • Black Guy skeleton gets hyped and shows white guy skeleton his porn movies all starring Velvet Luv
  • Soulpatch explains what they have to do, scavenger hunt
  • they get the “talking board” out, it’s just a Ouija board apparently it’s needed for a séance
  • the rules of the competition have changed from staying in to getting out of the house
  • Goth Lesbian calls Brad a dick ” DID YOU JUST CALL ME A DICK?!!!”
  • they start a ritual before using the “talking board” but Brad farts and kills the mood
  • cut to Sean walking out of a room pissed
  • “Is this the spirit of Sean McIntyre?” board says yes “Are you peaceful?” doors slam and board says no
  • the light fixture hanging above the table falls and Brad turns to the camera and yells “THAT’S NOT FUNNY DICK HEADS!!”
  • Black Guy is watching in the command center and yells at screen “Yes it is dick head!”
  • The skeleton kids call people telling them they need to come over and watch
  • Brad and Bimbo go to the basement and Brad says stupid stuff and Bimbo says “smart” stuff but really it’s dumb stuff
  • Luv and Goth are in a bedroom and Luv is trying to seduce Goth because she gets paid an extra $500 for anybody she bangs
  • Episode 50 and Ginger investigate kitchen and find the clue for the next location
  • Brad and Bimbo find a mole hill which is their clue or whatever
  • random crap
  • Brad and Bimbo split up, Bimbo makes and erectile dysfunction joke
  • Velvet Luv takes her top off and convinces Goth Lesbian to do it
  • Black Guy in command center yelling ” I love my job, I love my job!”
  • Luv recognizes the panties Goth is wearing as her own and gets porn star turned on
  • Luv slaps Goth, don’t know why
  • Velvet Luv pulls out various sex toys but has forgotten the magic lub, whoops, and goes downstairs leaving Goth handcuffed to the bed
  • Luv hears Brad lurking in a bathroom and then takes her top off again and tries to bang him
  • Cut to skeletons in dorm with a ton of other people chanting “TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES!!!”
  • Luv starts rubbing Brad junk
  • Sean walks into the bedroom Goth is in and stabs her in the stomach with his ice pick and pulls it up and out dragging her intestines with it, and then stabs her face with the pickax
  • back to Brad having troubles getting a stiffy, Luv gives him some boner pills
  • we find out Brad named his unit The General
  • Bimbo in attic cut with Brad and Luv doing it and Episode 50 and Ginger looking for clues
  • Episode 50 and Ginger hear them doing it and giggle and listen outside the bathroom door
  • Bimbo finds Sean in the attic and trips as she runs to the trapdoor
  • Sean has a knife and stabs it into her heel and carves up the back of her leg and reaches in with his hand and starts pulling out the tendon
  • Episode 50 and Ginger walk in on Luv and Brad and Brad realizes that he was just filmed banging someone who wasn’t his girlfriend and went to go find Bimbo
  • Ginger needs to go pee leaving Luv alone with Episode 50
  • she immediately grabs his wang so he goes downstairs she follows
  • Brad looks out window on ground floor and skeletons jump out and say boo, he’s not frightened but acts like he is
  • Sean shows up in bathroom with Ginger she screams
  • Skeletons tell Brad to get Episode 50 over to the window so they can spray him with silly string
  • E50 hears Ginger screaming and runs up and opens the bathroom door to let her out she’s scared silly
  • Luv calms her down by talking about how she used claustrophobic when she gave head but is now over that
  • Brad runs up and tells Episode 50 that coach is outside and wants to talk to him about getting him back on the football team
  • Episode 50 goes to window gets sprayed in the face with silly string
  • “Looks like coached creamed all over your face!”
  • he gets really mad and starts fighting Brad
  • he notices Brad still has a boner and PUNCHES HIS BONER!!!
  • Ginger breaks up the fight by hitting Brad over the head with a flashlight
  • she sees if he’s ok and says that he was like a wild animal
  • he flexes and shouts to the sky “I AM AN ANIMAL!!!” then he points at the camera and says “I’M A PANTHER!!!”
  • Brad leaves to go find Bimbo giving Ginger the finger on the way out
  • Episode 50 and Ginger find a journal in basement
  • Brad finds her body in the attic and throws up, he still has boner
  • Sean pick him up and RIPS HIS BONER OFF
  • Brad falls to the ground where Sean places his spiked boot on his face
  • Episode 50 and Ginger read journal, it’s the diary of Sean’s wife, it says he though he was attacked by a yeti
  • “A yeti/ isn’t that like an abominable snowman?” says Episode 50 like and idiot
  • “Yeah it’s like the Himalayan Bigfoot.” Ginger says explaining something that everybody freaking knows
  • Sean stomps on Brad’s head splashing blood on the camera, he removes his foot and then kicks the head again
  • Velveeta Luv, Episode 50, and Ginger discover Goth Lesbian’s hands
  • the hand props are really awful and kind of glow
  • “Man, those look real” Episode 50
  • feels hands “That felt real.”
  • POWER GOES OUT killing the live stream, college students are pissed
  • one college kid says “I wanted to see more of Brad’s dick.” everyone looks at him until he take a swig of beer
  • Luv is split up from the group somehow and runs into Sean
  • he picks her up by the neck and stabs her through the mouth to the back of the head with an ice digging thing
  • cut to Episode 50 and Ginger
  • blood starts dripping on Ginger’s shoulder
  • they look up and see Goth Lesbian’s split open head
  • Soulpatch heads outside to check the fuse box
  • college kids start getting bored
  • the wires in the box outside have all been cut
  • E50 and Ginger discover Luv’s still flinching body
  • they are chased by Sean to the attic
  • Soulpatch’s dad calls and they have a brief argument
  • E50 is losing it sobbing and threatening to beat him up
  • Black Guy sees Goth’s hands on cameras
  • Ginger gives E50 a speech about how they can get rid of Sean
  • Episode 50 is still dressed like a pimp and it is still hilarious
  • Black Guy sees Sean on the cameras
  • Ginger and E50 finally notice Brad and Bimbos bodies
  • Sean hears Black Guy and when BG opens the door to run away he gets stabbed in the stomach with the pickax and just when you thought this was going to be a boring death Sean starts humping
  • Sean’s on the roof now and he’s yelling and trying to break into the attic
  • he hears a yeti off in the distance and has a minifreak out
  • E50 says he’s going downstairs to get a doll so they can exorcise Sean or something
  • Ginger stops him before he leaves and says ‘I love you.”
  • trying to be Star Wars E50 say”I know.” and then drops through the trapdoor
  • Soulpatch is walking through the house while E50 grabs the doll and runs back upstairs
  • Ginger and E50 grab Bimbo’s body because they need 3 people to do the séance
  • halfway through the séance Soulpatch knocks on the attic’s trapdoor
  • E50 is a little too excited to see Soulpatch
  • Sean pins Soulpatch to the wall while E50 was trying to help him up
  • they both get pulled down where Sean kills them both also chopping off E50’s arm
  • now armed with only a grappling hook Sean searches for Ginger while she hides in a trunk
  • she gets out because she’s stupid
  • Sean swings the grappling hook at Ginger but she uses the doll and a shield and in copying Star Wars again the doll loses it’s arm which also hurts Sean causing him to drop his lightsaber I mean grappling hook
  • Ginger tears the doll up seemingly killing him
  • Ginger the begins her extremely slow walk down the stairs and out of the house
  • Sean’s hand starts to twitch
  • The doll slowly comes together as Sean stands up
  • When Ginger gets to the door the sun has risen
  • Sean walks downstairs
  • GRAPPLING HOOK GOES THROUGH GINGER’S STOMACH hanging it’s tensed up and she’s pulled back into the house
  • CREDITS

This was a bad movie

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