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My Goodbye Letter To The Internet And All The People I’ve Met There

by on 07/23/2012

I have recently been invited to take a trip, no, a journey. This journey will last a very long time and must have my full attention. So I have decided to stop using the Internet for the duration of my quest. This post will serve as my goodbye letter and possibly my will. The details of this adventure are complicated, so as to not leave anything out I shall tell the whole story.

It all started when I was driving home from church yesterday. I turned the radio to the local classic rock station, 105.9 The Rock. On that station the Sammy Hagar song “I Can’t Drive 55” started playing. Remembering my good friend Saif was obsessed with that song once, I texted him:

“WHY CAN’T I DRIVE 55?!!!”

If I had known what was about to be given to me would I have sent that text? No, probably not. Because he told me something that would change me from boring dude that plays games and watches movie all day, to an adventurer, and I’m just too lazy for that. But I sent it and what he told me, well I’ll just let you read for yourselves.

“Ok since you sent that message i’ve done the math and it seems that every thearom i’ve created has ended with the same conclusion… Austin… You have to kill sammy haggar, drain his blood into the holy grail, go to a witch doctor in africa, once there she will lead you to a great mystery solver in scandinavia by the name of varg vorgeslev, he will then tell you to boil the blood once the blood is boiled the temperature will release all the bad toxins in the blood and soften and massage the good ones, then after this before drinking it you must ask varg of a source that would know anything about the art of blood consumption; he’ll tell about a man living in michigan. You’ll have to visit a small hot dog shack by the name of “weiners n more” there you will ask for a man who knows anyrhing about your situation. A man will get up and say ” aye I do know of your situation lad” you’ll notice he isn’t american but from the nether lands. You’ll have to go vampire hunting in the netherlands for a good 8 years to learn what it takes to become a vampire and how to drink blood. But you must be careful. For as this prophecy is unfolding a secret orginazation by a name unknown will be chasing you and attempting to steal sammy’s blood and fufill an oppisote prochecy attaining world domination, you must protect the blood at all cost. Any ways, after your eight years of study you will finally be able to consume the blood but their are places and things you must do first. First you will have to return to america by ship not plane for god sake austin do not travel by plane, then after returning you must travel to california and return the the home of sammy haggar and find a secret key wich should reside in his favorite guitar. With the key you will find a note. The note will enscribe ” austin if you are reading this then it means the prophecy has been under way, you have killed me and are now ready to drin my blood. But there is one last thing you must do. Travel one last time to checkoslovakia, then twoards the grassy plains, once there you upon arrival be incredibly deffensive because the cock monglers will be waiting. Be safe austin. And godspeed.” hmmmm the cock monglers… That must be the secret orginization”– after I send this message the story will continue”

(There was a break between these texts of about twenty to thirty minutes. I assume to recharge his future balls)

“You will travel to checkoslovakia once again by boat and twoards the grassy plains there you will find 4 men standing in hoods and they will reveal themselves to be sammy haggars band and you will have to fight them this battle should last about 33 years max and will claim a lot of innocent childrens lives for their special powers will be the power to take any child under the age of 14 rip him or her in half and heal by eating their flesh. and their strength will increase by hearing their soothing screams as the rip the children in half, you must find a way to counter act this by finding 5 men and tricking the rest of his band into ripping them in half and drinking their blood these me will be gene shallot, cliff besenski, owen wilson (if you take his brother that will only make them stronger), michael j. Fox, and scatman john (the guy from that ” i’m a scatman” song). Once you finally defeat the cock monglers queen elizabeth will arrive at the grassy plains accompanied by morgan freeman and stan lee, she will knight you three and then you can finally drink the blood of sammy haggar. A giant explosion of light will occur and in this exsplosion pope sixtus’s the IV’s face will appear and will say ” austin the prophecy has been fufilled, drink my son” and although you’re not catholic your body will somehow have the sudden urge to reply “yes father” you will then drink the blood of sammy haggar. Queen elizebeth will smile and hand you a 77 chavelle ss you will get the car up to 50…51…52…53…54… Roll credits”

So now you know why I must say goodbye. If I don’t return in 45 years, I leave all my belongings to that short fellow that Amac and I saw at the mall that one time. God bless you short fellow. Goodbye Internet and good luck. it’s simple… we kill the batman

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One Comment
  1. Austin retweeted me today, he couldn’t quit the internet unless Ariana Grande forced him to.

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